


Alls Not Well

by Sokorra



Series: Season 3 AU tag series [1]
Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Episode Tag, F/M, Season/Series 03
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-10
Updated: 2016-04-10
Packaged: 2018-06-01 08:19:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,451
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6510253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sokorra/pseuds/Sokorra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack O'Neill finds himself exactly where he wants to be, but knows he can't stay.  Set after the events of the Season 2 finale.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Alls Not Well

What had he done?

It wasn’t so much he regretted this night, because he must certainly did not.  But the consequences of what they had done could be huge, and he didn’t want that for her.  And he knew in the end it would reflect worse on her, because that was just the way things were even if it was unfair.

He watched her as she slept, curled into his side, running his hand through her hair.  It was starting to get longer, and for a second he wondered what it would be like for her to wear it longer.  It probably wouldn’t happen. It wasn’t considered practical to have long hair

He knew he had been dangerously close to that line before.  There was something about Samantha Cater that just drew him in, even when she was busting him down for a perceived insult.   Physically it was easy to figure out.  She was a gorgeous woman.  He used to think her eyes were the shade of the event horizon, shining as bright when she finally solved a puzzle.  Watching her work was one of his favorite things.  He might not understand half of what she said, but it was great to watch.

And sometime over the years they had known each other the attraction and the love of her mind seemed to meld together into a love for her that he couldn’t explain.  When he had awoken and been told that she had died, he had been heartsick that he couldn’t have protected her.  Daniel and Teal’c as well, but Sam had a different ring to the grief.  And then to find her, tied up to the system had been relief.  She was alive, and he saw equal relief in her eyes when she woke to find him there.

Now that they were out of danger, he could remember how it felt to be pressed up against her, his arms around her.  It hadn’t been sexual at the time, their minds too focused on getting free to contemplate it.  However freedom and down time allowed his mind to go back and replay it, how good it had felt to hold her, how well she fit against him.  Maybe it was that train of thought that led to them laying here.

He remembered another moment, when he had risen out of the chamber after freezing and trying to resist being a host and found here there.  She had held him tight against her as he tried to get ahold of his body which continued to shake as it warmed up and readjusted to room temperature.  There had been so much relief.  She was alive, he was alive, and there was a little more hope then there was before.

He lifted his free hand and laid on the one of hers that lay across his chest.  This felt so perfect but he knew in the morning there would be hard truths to face.  They were still in the same chain of command, still co-workers and given the situation right now they were both needed in their jobs.  This was a deviation, not something they could keep.

But he wanted it.  He wanted to wake up to her in the mornings,  be able to roll his eyes when she sups up the Toaster so it toasts just perfectly  (to her, he liked his a little black).  To her calling him Jack, and giving him that smile that always weakened him a little in his knees, which at his age didn’t really need the help.

He was afraid it wasn’t going to really go back to what they had been before Hathor had returned, before he had driven her home only to take her hand as she led him inside. 

He was supposed to be there for some coffee before he made his way home.  But they had been standing in the entryway, and she had looked at him and it was like something snapped between them.  They didn’t want to be alone, not tonight,  and they met halfway in a kiss that he was pretty sure he’d remember for all those rainy days when he couldn’t have this.

He had made love to her, tried to express in action all she meant to him since he couldn’t say it in words.  He couldn’t tell her how much he thought of her.  SHe knew he respected her, that was a given both personally and professionally, but this was more about the other things.  How she had helped bring him back from where he had been that first trip to Abydos, her and Daniel with their optimism and enthusiasm.  They had made things so much brighter in his life.  He found himself with a sudden kid brother and a woman he wished he could say was his for the rest of his life.

But he couldn’t.  He knew that, and he knew she knew that.  They would wake up in the morning, and know that what happened here tonight would have to stay between them, that they couldn’t have any more mornings.  They had to fold everything back into the box that was the Colonel and the Captain.

Knowing that, he moved to wake her, to have a few more hours where they could be Jack and Sam, two people enjoying that they were alive, they were together and nothing else mattered.  Outside this room they had left behind rank, the war against the Goa'uld, their jobs and their friends.  For a little while it could be just them.

“Jack..” she mumbled as she woke up, her eyes finding his.  He smiled gently, receiving a smile in return.  She looked adorable with her hair mussed and her eyes half filled with sleep.  It was then he realised that all that inner thought about how tomorrow he could switch this off were for not.  He had, without knowing how, fallen in love with Samantha Carter.  He could stay away from her.  Be her friend and not her lover, but he knew that he couldn’t separate those feelings anymore.  He wasn’t allowed to have them, but that didn’t stop them.

He couldn’t tell her.  He could just hold on for now and make it last him for as long as it took.  And he knew it might mean forever, because she might meet someone. Someone who could understand her when she rambled about work, someone who was closer to her age, someone who could give her a family if she wanted one without being haunted by the ghost of an little boy.  She deserved that happy ending, and he hoped she got it.

But that didn’t stop the fact that he loved her.  So he simply leaned towards her, kissing her slowly, trying to make up for all the time they wouldn’t have.

That he wouldn’t have.

She moved so that her arms were wrapped around his shoulders, and they were twisted so he was half leaning over her.  He tried to memorize the feel of her skin on his, on how it felt to hold her.

He both wondered if she could tell what he was doing and hoped to god she didn’t.  He didn’t want her to have that weight on her soul. He kissed her throat where it met her collarbone, as her hands drifted into his hair.  Her nails were just long enough to scrape lightly, which felt amazing.  She pulled him back up to her face, attaching her lips to her.

“Sam,” he started when they paused a moment later.  “Tomorrow..”

“Is tomorrow.”  And he saw that she understood what would happen.  “Let’s not worry about that right now.  “ He watched her for a moment, wondering if he could see love shining back at him or if that was just wishful thinking.  He leaned down and retook her mouth in a kiss, rolling so their positions were reversed and he had free reign to touch her.

He’d regret giving himself this taste of what he wanted because he’ll always know how it felt to be in this moment.  Always know what he is missing by putting his career, even the world before what he wanted.  He hadn’t thought he’d fall in love again.  Figured he was too old, too set in his ways and not over Sara.  But like in many things, Sam was teaching him he was wrong.  This time he had a hard time feeling bad about it.

  
And with that he decided to leave his worries outside the door.  They’d pick them back up tomorrow.  Tonight was for them, to celebrate being alive and being together.  They would figure out the new normal tomorrow, together as they always did.


End file.
